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"Balefulness of Anger," An Essay on Anger ch. IX (1809)
What care is necessary that the tempers of children be not spoiled by an improper education! …The severity of a tyrannical parent, or master, may be productive of much mischief to his tender charge. After having devoted many years of life to the important task of cultivating youthful minds, I hope I may be allowed to speak what I have learned by experience. Youths of a generous disposition may be induced to do any thing by kindness; but severity would rouse and harden them into opposition. To be perpetually chiding them, or frequently beating or scourging them, would have a natural tendency to stir up their resentment against us, and lead them to consider us as their greatest enemies.
The infliction of chastisement requires great prudence, and a happy command of temper. That it may produce the desired effect, it should at least appear to flow from a just displeasure at the offence committed: but for a parent or tutor not to be able to command his passion, would be to set a bad example before children. It would lessen his authority, by shewing his weakness before them; for it is great weakness in an instructor to be often carried away by the impulse of anger. Few persons meet with more frequent provocations than those who have a number of children to manage and govern. If such do not check the risings of anger, they will find it grow upon them, and become habitual: this would make their own lives very unhappy, and lead them to sudden acts of cruelty and barbarity, which they might immediately repent of, but in vain. Slight expressions of displeasure or approbation, will produce happy effects on youths of a meek and tender disposition. A frowning look, or a sharp word will succeed better with such as a corrective, than many stripes with others. Praise and shame will frequently be found sufficient to answer the governor’s purpose: but vice and immorality, idleness and mischief will, at times, require the rod of correction. It would be awful to suffer children to walk in the way of their own heart. The fertile soil must not lie uncultivated, and over run with weeds.
As severity is ever to be condemned, so an excess of lenity is not less pernicious. It is an ancient observation, and which has received the sanction of experience in every age: He that spareth his rod, i. e. when absolutely necessary, hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. When lenity and softness are ill-judged and excessive, they are in effect cruelty. “Impunity (says Cicero) is the greatest enticement to the commission of offences.” A wiser than he has told us, that a child left to himself, brings his mother to shame. I lately heard of a certain youth, of a hot, malignant, fiery disposition, much addicted to quarrelling with his companions when at school; and who being always accustomed to be treated with indulgence, grew up to such a degree of self-willedness, that on meeting with some opposition from his parent, in an affair he had in hand when grown up to years of maturity, he could not bear to be controlled, but took a loaded pistol, and shot himself dead.
Experience shows that the tempers of children may be spoiled, either by an excess of lenity, or of severity. The golden mean between the two extremes is the safest path. Severity may break the spirits: Provoke not children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Lenity on the other hand is amiable; the motives to it are noble; much may be said in its praise; and the advocate for it will find an attentive audience. Yet lenity carried to an undue degree, frequently involves the object of it in misery and perdition. Human nature is, at every stage of life, prone to evil; and particularly so at a time, when, to inherent depravity are added, weakness of understanding, and want of thought and experience. Proper methods must be devised of influencing the hopes and fears of children and these methods must be accommodated to their different dispositions. Wisdo
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